Barbara's Random Thoughts

Thank you for the books you sent which connect
quite specifically to everything I have been thinking of
for the last 12 years.

How did you know this?

from Naomi Shihab Nye's "Sincerely"

Over the weekend I bought the new Dido CD that I've been wanting for a while. You know how every once in a while, the lyrics of a song exactly mirror something you've been thinking about? Well, this was one of those times. Track #3, Life for Rent. It's got me written all over it.

I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it...

if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
'cos nothing I have is truly mine

while my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
while I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
well how can I say I'm alive

This exactly connects with something that's been kicking around in the back of my head for a while—I can't shake the habit of feeling like where I am is temporary. I realized this a few months ago, and it's been bothering me.

Now that I have a job in publishing, now that I've relocated and am pursuing a career in the field I've chosen—I am puzzled by the fact that I still have this transitional, temporary mindset. I look at my apartment, and decide against silly, small things like buying a new curtain for the window in my front door. Because maybe I won't be in this apartment very long—after all, it's only a 6-month lease I'm committed to, maybe I'll find something better. I'm not thinking long term as far as my position at work, because maybe I'll decide that textbook publishing is not where I want to stay. And, I haven't yet committed to a church up here. Mainly because I haven't yet found one that's what I'm really looking for (that's another topic for another day), but I also wonder if it's because, sub-consciously, I have a phobia about making permanent plans.

I don't know what it is that's holding me back from feeling settled where I am. I'm still wondering.