Barbara's Random Thoughts

Friday, December 29, 2006

Five Things

I know how you feel
No secrets to reveal
Nobody knows me at all...
--The Weepies

David tagged me to do this one: five things most people don’t know about me. I found myself drawn mostly to childhood memories. And this was more difficult than I would have thought. After all, where do you draw the line for what counts as “most people”? But here goes.

1. I had blond hair until I was about four years old. I’m halfway convinced that it darkened to brown because when I was three we moved from Del Mar, CA—a walk away from the beach—to England, where there was no sun.

2. This piece of information is utterly bizarre and a little embarrassing. I named my feet when I was a kid. I think it was because I had a hard time telling right from left. My left foot is named Fred; my right foot is named Mick. I have no idea where I came up with the names. Those are just the names of my feet and that is all there is to it.

3. I had an English accent until I was nine, but only when I was around my English friends. I never did it consciously, and I don’t think I was even aware of it until one day when a friend met my mother and asked, “Why does your mum talk funny?” I explained that it was because my mother was American. This question continued to come up from the same friend as she met the rest of my family: “Why does your dad talk funny?” “Why does your brother talk funny?” “Why does your sister talk funny?” Each time, my answer was “Because they’re American.” Finally she came out with: “Well, I’m glad you’re not American, because I don’t like Americans.” I figured if she couldn’t tell the difference, I wasn’t going to point it out.

4. I worked in the Biola cafeteria for one semester. Only one shift--Saturday mornings--and that was plenty.

5. The first time I was in a wedding, I was 14, and I was the maid of honor. It was my sister’s wedding and I caught the bouquet, which just goes to show you that the whole “next to be married” thing totally doesn’t work out.

Bonus (not officially counting it because I think there are quite a few people who do know this about me): I don’t know how to ride a bike. My family was supposed to move back to the US when I was five, and the answer to my request for a bike was that I could get one when we were back in CA. Every year, we decided to stay in England longer...and by the time we moved to CA, I was nine. I tried to learn, but it didn’t come easily, and I was too embarrassed to ride around the neighborhood and practice with training wheels on my bike. So I never learned, and I still don’t know how.


| posted by Barbara | 9:55 PM |

Quote of the Day

From The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists, by Gideon Defoe--a book I gave to my brother for his birthday last year, and which he lent me at Thanksgiving to read. The following quote is one that my brother the science professor would put up on his office door if he didn't teach at a Christian college and he didn't think that certain people might be slightly offended by said quote.

'Plundering? I'm not sure you understand. We've not invented the airship to go plundering.'
'So what on earth is it for?' asked the Pirate Captain.
'For? What is all science "for"!' exclaimed the scientist. 'Pushing back frontiers! The thrill of discovery! Advancing the sum total of human knowledge and endeavor! And looking down ladies' tops.'


| posted by Barbara | 9:51 PM |

Monday, December 25, 2006

Christmas Carols

A little belated. Some thoughts from Christmas Eve, so I've back-dated the post.

One of the drawbacks of growing up in church, I think, is that the sacred can become too familiar. Hymns rich with meaning become rote, commonplace--loved for their familiarity, but not for their meaning. As I got into college, I began to discover what it really was to worship, to think about the words I was singing. I discovered, in ways I’d never experienced, that I could truly mean what I sang--that I was singing to and about someone and something real, not just singing words to a tune.

Somehow that process took a little longer for me with Christmas carols. In the past couple of years, certain carols have come to mean more to me as I’ve taken more time with them. Last year, it was "Joy to the World" and "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day." This year, it was "What Child Is This?" and "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel." The latter is a carol I’ve always loved, and somehow this year, the longing it captures has been more compelling to me. I’m taking the time this Christmas to get a few of these thoughts down as I meditate further on these carols.

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

As I’ve listened to this carol this year, I’ve been struck by the longing it expresses—the longing of Israel for the coming of a Savior. And the subsequent promise of the chorus—the promise that was fulfilled in Christ. It started me thinking about unfulfilled longings in my own life, and how trivial those can be. And how longing of any kind pales in comparison to a longing for God with us, Emmanuel. And that is a longing that can be fulfilled, if I will only turn my attention to the One who came to dwell among us.

What Child Is This?
...good Christian fear, for sinners here
The silent Word is pleading.

These two small lines jumped out at me in worship at PBC a couple of weeks ago, so much so that I was compelled to scrawl them down on a bulletin so I wouldn’t forget to come back to them later. The image that so caught my attention is that of Christ as a baby, one too young to speak, called “the silent Word,” pleading for us. The idea of the helplessness of a baby, silently pleading on our behalf before the Father, pleading for our redemption, brought home to me the lengths to which God would go to redeem the children He loves—to make himself as helpless and as dependent as a baby in order to bring us to him.

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Then in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, goodwill to men.”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor does He sleep
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, goodwill to men.”

These lines evoke for me the faith and hope that things now are not as they shall be. That there is something better, and that one day, all shall be made new. They put me in mind of Sam’s Song from Return of the King:

“Above all shadows rides the Sun
And stars forever dwell
I will not say the day is done
Nor bid the stars farewell.”

The day is not done, the stars are not gone, and all will one day be made right.

Joy to the World

He rules the world with truth and grace
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness
And wonders of His love

It is the nations that prove God’s love and righteousness—it is the people God brings to His side who demonstrate the grace He offers us. It is through the nations that God proves his character and offers us assurance of his love. As one called to go to “the nations,” I think that’s a pretty cool thing.

Merry Christmas, all.
| posted by Barbara | 8:15 AM |

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Christmas thoughts...

I'm just a posting maniac right now, can you tell? I have in mind this whole post on Christmas carols and lyrics and deep meanings that I've overlooked for years because of over-familiarity with said lyrics. But somehow blogging on a timetable is stifling any introspection and meaning-ful-ness that was brewing in my head. (And should get home in another 45 minutes or so, because I said I'd have tea with my parents. They'll be waiting for me. So here are some scattered thoughts, and I'll attempt something more meaningful next week, post-Christmas.

1. I haven't done Christmas cards this year. That's weird for me; I ALWAYS send Christmas cards. Maybe in the New Year. I need to, if only to say: "Hey, I'm going to South Africa; here's my new address; send me mail!"

2. I usually display received Christmas cards on a bookshelf in my room during December. I don't have anywhere to do that this year, and the cards I've received so far are in a box somewhere. Except the ones I've gotten at my parents' address, which a backpack somewhere. I think. But...I love that I've received two Christmas cards with penguins on the front; as I have a standing joke with a couple friends about there being penguins in South Africa. Yay, penguins.

3. I've started a new blog. I'm not linking between the two, as that one will be up for quite public consumption by almost everyone I know. This one's more personal and I'd like to keep it that way. Where else can I let out my sarcasm and mockery? ;-) The new one will be primarily missions-focused. I may continue updating this one after I leave the country, but I'm not sure...that'll depend on time constraints. Stay tuned on that.

4. David, I will get to your tag soon. Justin, you have been re-linked.

5. Here's some non-thoughtful Christmas entertainment for you video game fans.

6. On a personal note: leaving is starting to sink in, and it's weird. The past week has been a whirlwind of saying goodbyes and packing up my life in the Bay area. I miss it already. For someone as fiercely independent as I am (one of my first sentences was "I can do it myself"), it's a little difficult to be living in my parents' house again. A little adjusting is required of me, and I need grace there. I'm looking forward to spending some time with friends down here before I leave. I'm looking forward to Christmas with family. I'm looking forward to taking the nieces/nephew to the spinny park. ;-) But I'm also looking forward to heading out, starting a new adventure, and seeing where God takes me this next year. There is much in store. Stay in touch, all of you. You, my friends, are dear to me.

7. Merry Christmas.
| posted by Barbara | 2:47 AM |

Ten Years Ago Today (er, a few days late)

This feature kind of fell by the wayside, didn't it? On Sunday, I dug out my Italy journal one more time and came across this account of visiting Neuschwanstein with Melinda. As I poked around in the journal some more, I discovered that the day of my leaving Florence ten years ago corresponded with the day of my leaving the Bay area this year. Kind of a cool parallel. Anyway, here's my journal entry from Dec. 17. I would illustrate with some hilarious pictures, but my scanner is in a box somewhere. (You can say the same about most of my belongings at this point.)

Fussen, Germany ~ Bed & Breakfast ~ 11:23pm ~ Dec. 17th, 1996

Tonight is the last night Mel and I will have together! Tomorrow at this time, she will be on her way to Budapest, and I will be waiting in Munich for a train to Florence. It’s so strange--I still can’t really imagine that I’m leaving. I don’t want this to end. The past few days have been so good--Austria, Prague, here...! I don’t want to go back to lovely, smoggy, dirty LA! [Heh. Not too excited about that now, either!] Today was so wonderful. We got into Munich at 6:30 and hopped on a 6:50 train to Buchloe, then a regional train from there to Fussen. It was so beautiful, the sunrise, the trees covered in frost, the countryside and little houses in a blanket of snow! This area is just incredible. We are in the Bavarian Alps--they are just right there off in the distance, covered in snow!

We got into Fussen at 9am and began to walk to the youth hostel. We kept on walking...and walking...we passed this little place that said “Zimmer Frei”--rooms free--and so we thought we’d ask if it was the hostel or where the hostel was. Turns out that the hostel is closed for renovations until Dec. 27th. [Here you have a representative example of how well we planned in advance!] But, it was a nice bed & breakfast we stopped at, some people were just leaving and said it was very nice [lots of nice here] we’re staying here! It is awesome to see how things have worked out so well. (Apart from my losing things everywhere! But I’m not going to go into that!) [Heehee. I had managed to lose both my gloves and my camera case in Salzburg--possibly more items that I can’t remember now. I was very sad for the loss of those gloves!] We dropped off our luggage here and Mel took a shower, then it was off to the town to buy groceries and exchange money before catching the bus to Neuschwanstein. We got there and were so clueless as to where to go or what to do! The castle was way up the hill and we didn’t know how to get there!

We saw that a bunch of other people had gotten onto horse carriages which set out up the hill. So we went over there and got on the next one. We sat there and then noticed where the trail up the hill was...debated as to whether to take the horse carriage up and walk down or vice versa...I just wanted to stay where we were, but Mel wanted to hike...we went back and forth with our reasons and ended up getting out like indecisive fools (which I guess we are!) and heading over to the trail. We walked up to the castle through the trees and woods in the snow, catching glimpses of the castle through the tree branches. We got up there and managed to join up with a group from a military base--I think we got a better tour than we would have otherwise. The guy was so nice, went in and bought our tickets along with the rest of his group’s, let us tag along on their was [wait for it...] rad! We started at 12:15 and the other tour in English began at 12:30. They ended up passing us towards the end—we got to see more! After the castle tour, we hiked up to a bridge behind the castle. Or rather pulled ourselves up by the railing! The snow had not been cleared away and it was really packed down and slippery. But we made it to the bridge and looked out over the castle and the valley below, all covered in snow. It was so gorgeous I can’t even describe it. It was freezing cold but I’m so glad we came in the winter with the snow. It’s so beautiful! We crossed the bridge and tried to continue on, but the trail was covered in snow and we had no railing to even give us an indicator of where we were! We climbed around the hillside in the snow for a while, then headed back to the bridge. We stood there for the longest time, waiting for the sun to rise a little more and shine on the castle! It was so freezing--my hands and feet and face were numb! But the sun finally crept around and we took our pictures--many pictures!

On our hike back down to the castle, we had a rather interesting time. The snow was still very slippery and going downhill was much worse than going up! We slid down, clinging to the railing...I almost fell once, slipped, and grabbed the railing and kind of swung around under it...then a few yards later, slipped again and fell really hard on my butt! I landed on my hip and it hurt so bad! The ice was so hard! Mel was laughing at me until halfway down the next slope when she fell flat on her back! It was so hilarious--us sliding our way down the hill! [Could I use any more exclamation points?]

We got back to the castle, looked in the gift shop [the conclusion to any good activity], and then got on a horse carriage down to where we needed to catch the bus. That was cool, riding along past the trees and the snow, glancing back at the castle. We had 20 minutes or so before we needed to catch the bus, so after taking pictures with the carriage driver, we wandered down a street, walking over snow and looking at the alps in the distance behind little chalets and fields of pure white untouched snow.

I can't believe I didn't narrate a couple of things here. On our way up the hill to the castle, we took a detour off the path to a less-travelled trail that looked like a shortcut. It was indeed a shortcut, but it required clambering over a more rugged, snow-covered and slippery route...after we struggled our way to the top, we found a sign marked “sommer-weg” = Summer way. Thanks for putting that at the top of the climb...

The other episode I left out: the stupid stuff we did while waiting on the bridge for the sun to come up. The Sleeping Beauty castle at Disneyland is modeled after Neuschwanstein. So, Melinda and I made all kinds of Prince Charming jokes and stood there singing “Someday My Prince Will Come”...we commented that perhaps we were actually waiting for a prince instead of for the sun to rise. There's a brand of cookies in Germany that have a prince on the wrapper, and we had been eating these cookies during our trip...I actually saved the cookie wrapper just so that I could use it on the corresponding page of my photo album. Again, I wish the scanner was out. The visuals are priceless, but you'll have to take my word for it at this point.

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| posted by Barbara | 2:02 AM |

For the ride

Over the Rhine, Snow Angels
Over the Rhine, The Darkest Night of the Year
Pedro the Lion, It's Hard to Find a Friend
Casey Dienel, Wind-Up Canary
Regina Spektor, Begin to Hope
Rosie Thomas, Only with Laughter Can You Win
Sufjan Stevens, Songs for Christmas

Plus a couple of sermons and repeated listenings of The Cure's "Cut Here" and "At the Edge of the Deep Green Sea."


| posted by Barbara | 2:00 AM |

I miss Firefox.

(Actually, I miss a whole lot more than Firefox.)

Quick post to say that I'm now safely down in the LA area. After a 7-hour drive with a very very full car indeed, I am camping out in my old bedroom at my parents' house. I say camping out, because I'm still living out of duffle bags and boxes...can't wait for a room at Pangani. =) I will blog more later when I have more time, and can get my own computer near a wireless connection. Currently using the parents' computer and its Safari-only capabilities. (Safari really really frustrates me. Where are all my Gmail features, Safari? Huh?) Perhaps I can slip away to a cafe this afternoon, if my mother doesn't tap me for more baking help. (Pumpkin bread, check. Chocolate peanut butter chip cookies? Still to come.)

More later...
| posted by Barbara | 12:35 AM |

Monday, December 18, 2006

Goodbye hugs make me happy, but they also make me want to cry

Friday was my last day at work. Today was my last Sunday at PBC. The past few days have been full of great conversations and heartfelt goodbyes. And hugs. Lots of hugs. I'm not a crier...not at all. But I've been on the edge of choking up a LOT lately, which is saying something for me.

It was a beautiful, clear, cold sunny day today. And the weather and the goodbyes and the hugs have made me fall in love with the world and everything in it. It's strange to be so full of sadness and joy at the same time. I feel so privileged to know so many wonderful people who have shared in my life here, in big and small ways. I'm really, really going to miss this place and all it's held for me. I'm looking forward to cramming in as many hangouts as I can before I leave on Thursday. And with that, I need to go to a birthday party, at which there will no doubt be more goodbye hugs.

Here are some lyrics for you...

When they blow Gabriel's horn
Rip fiction from fact
I want to get caught
In some radical act

Of love and redemption
The sound of warm laughter
Some true conversation
With a friend or my lover

Somewhere down the road
We'll lift up our glass
And toast the moment
And moments past

The heartbreak and laughter
The joy and the tears
The scary, scary beauty
Of what's right here

(Over the Rhine, "Here It Is")
| posted by Barbara | 3:42 AM |

Friday, December 15, 2006

Of furniture and leaving

When my family moved from England back to California, I was nine years old. We moved out of our house in Ely before school was out for the year, and until we left the country, we stayed in the home of some good friends from church who were out of town. I was already unhappy at being uprooted from my home and friends, and being pulled out of school early was another unhappiness. (Add to that the fact that we left the country on my best friend's birthday.)

But before all of that, before we even moved out of the house on Downham Road, my parents sold my bed. I remember being extremely indignant about this, exclaiming about it to my friends. "They SOLD my BED!" How dare they? I didn't even have somewhere to SLEEP in my last days in my home. It was, for me, the final cruel indicator that we really were leaving.

Well, folks--on Saturday I am selling my bed. The time has come.
| posted by Barbara | 7:50 PM |

Friday, December 08, 2006


I started this post and never finished it. Recap of Thanksgiving weekend.

-Wednesday: After a half day at work, I loaded up my car with a bunch of stuff to store at my parents'. Man, I have a lot of books.
Wednesday night: Played speed Scrabble with the parents and David & Dianna, until midnight. I coined a new word: "foet." You know, an enemy who recites verse. Sadly, it was not deemed acceptable.

-Thursday: Lots of food, lots of kids. I told Nancy it seemed like she had more children than last year, even though there are still four. Johnny seems like more kids now that he's 2 1/2.

-Friday: Breakfast reunion with the AH's. It was SO GOOD to see them. Melinda's the only one I've seen since last August, though I've been in touch with Hannah a good bit via email. We're all in such different places, but the friendships remain. We spent hours catching up, looking at pictures, reminiscing, laughing, and laughing some more. (Sarah: "My cheeks always hurt for days after I get together with you all!") We talked about choir tours, old crushes, and who will be the next to get married. Our predictions have been correct thus far: Sarah, then Corina. (Corina: "And it was so.") We're assuming things now that Hannah's dating someone, so it's down to me and Melinda. I nominated her.

-Saturday: Breakfast with ex-roommate Yoori, then off to the Harneds' to meet Baby Dell (and hang out with Heather).
Saturday evening: Library party with the kids, followed by a short trip to what they call the "Spinny Park"--a playground full of play equipment which involves spinning small children around until they cannot walk straight. Great fun was had by all.
Saturday night: late dinner with Kristy. She tried to get Judah to say "Barbara" and when that didn't work, tried "Babs." This resulted in Judah saying "Bats." I should have responded by making my celebrated bat sound effect. Oh well.

-Sunday: Too-short conversations with dear friends at GHBC, then a brief birthday celebration for Emily before I got on the all-too-long road home.

Appendix: Weekend Listening
Literarily: Jane Eyre.

Sandra McCracken, Gravity | Love
Over the Rhine, Drunkard's Prayer
Over the Rhine, Snow Angels (or rather, the acoustic sketches I got to download when I ordered the full album)
Sufjan Stevens, Illinois
Sufjan Stevens, Songs for Christmas
| posted by Barbara | 2:17 AM |

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Cute kid story

From an email from my mom:

Our Christmas tree is up! Johnny was here on Monday and was absolutely amazed. I hadn't thought about it before, but I don't think he had any memory of Christmas trees at all and Nancy hadn't been anywhere with him to see one. He stood in front of our tree, looked at it, then looked at me, and back again. Then he said, "How did chu built dat, how did chu built dat?" Then he went on to point out what was on it. It was really fun to watch.

I love that he wanted to know how they "built" the tree. My nephew is SO into building things. His dad's a carpenter, and I'm sure that's part of the fascination. When I was visiting at Thanksgiving, my dad and brother-in-law were in the process of installing a new water heater, and Johnny was enraptured. He dragged me by the hand, over to see where they were working, and exclaimed, "We gonna BUILD dat! And put nails in!"


| posted by Barbara | 7:09 PM |

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

The Taxi

When I go away from you
The world beats dead
Like a slackened drum.
I call out for you against the jutted stars
And shout into the ridges of the wind.
Streets coming fast,
One after the other,
Wedge you away from me,
And the lamps of the city prick my eyes
So that I can no longer see your face.
Why should I leave you,
To wound myself upon the sharp edges of the night?

-Amy Lowell

The last two lines of this poem came to mind on Monday night as I drove home beneath a full moon with sharp, sharp edges. I tracked down the poem today and thought I'd share.


| posted by Barbara | 11:06 PM |

Monday, December 04, 2006


It was fun, but....just once, I would like to attend a social activity where neither football nor video games are repeatedly discussed in detail. I'm just saying.

My coworkers, happily, provide me with balance. I'm looking forward to lunch conversation with no talk of video games. =)
| posted by Barbara | 9:19 PM |

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Word association

Because who doesn't love these things? First things that came to mind, though I was clearly compelled to add comments.

1. Yourself: cold. (In temperature. Not in personality. I hope.)
2. Your spouse: nonexistent
3. Your hair: messy
4. Your mother: sigh
5. Your father: hug
6. Your favorite item: book
7. Your dream last night: no idea. (However, I had a dream a couple nights in which a friend kept catching on fire, but suffering no harm. Spontaneous combustion: what a great dream!)
8. Your favorite drink: tea (Huh. That's what came to mind first. It's usually juice. Must be because of #1.)
9. Your dream car: Mini
10. The room you are in: PA Cafe
11. Your ex: imaginary
12. Your fear: disapproval
13. What you want to be in 10 years: invisible! (anybody remember that commercial? "Nobody says 'I want to be a junkie when I grow up...'")
14. Who you hung out with last night: Karen, Tom, Julie
15. What you’re not: confident
16. Muffins: breakfast
17: One of your wish list items: Sam Shepard plays, purely for “Savage/Love”
18: Time: slipping away!
19. The last thing you did: other than typing?
20. What you are wearing: jeans, long sleeve Old Navy t-shirt, grey sweater
21. Your favorite weather: rain
22. Your favorite book: too many
23. The last thing you ate: Uncle Frank’s BBQ
24. Your life: INSANE
25. Your mood: tense
26. Your best friend: baby
27. What you’re thinking about right now: Heather
28. Your car: stick shift!
29. What you are doing at the moment: wondering what is that ticking noise next to me
30. Your summer: flew by
31. Your relationship status: rich in friendship
32. What is on your TV: antenna
33. What is the weather like: cold and clear
34. When was the last time you laughed: probably at lunch with the boys

(Found here.)


| posted by Barbara | 5:02 AM |


I feel like time is flying by. I have less than three weeks left here in the Bay area. Part of it is being past Thanksgiving. Part of it is wrapping things up at work. Part of it is planning a going away party. Part of it is being into December. But mostly because--THREE WEEKS.

After I pack up and leave here, I have a little over three weeks in SoCal, and then I'm off. It boggles the mind. I have three more Sundays at PBC. Two more YAF meetings. Two more weeks at work. All of these moments and experiences are slipping away, and it's bittersweet to be where I am. I'm looking at everything with nostalgia now. I know my friendships here won't end--they'll change, no doubt, but they're not gonna end. But I'm gonna miss this place. I'm gonna miss so many people.

I feel like I'm trying to take advantage of everything before I leave; to do everything I can squeeze in. Last night I helped YAF folks fix dinner for R&R, then skipped out to go to the BATL lecture at 7:30. I stayed up later than I should have last night--I got home to find that Julie had invited Tom over to hang out. Sleep is negotiable; hanging out with good friends is not. Today, it was more lecture in the morning, more conversation with friends, a YAF ministry team meeting, and then a "Barbara and the boys" lunch hangout. Ah, YAF, how I will miss you and your software engineers. ;-)

And I look forward at the unknown and wonder what this next year is going to hold. There's so much ahead!! I'm so excited for this adventure, so excited to explore what God has for me in this next phase of my life, and how my time next year in South Africa will shape the direction of my future. There is so, so much in store.

But right now, the excitement gets quickly overshadowed with goodbyes. Because I don't know when I'll be back here. In a way, my goodbyes here will be much harder than the goodbyes down in SoCal. I have family there; I know I'll be back. I don't know when I'll be back here.

Anne offered to let me stay with her when I come back to visit, so at least I know I have a place to crash with someone who's not planning on leaving in the near future! It's been good to have friends continue to say; "When you come back..." and suggest one of the many things I'm going to miss. At this year's annual pilgrimage to Barbara's Fishtrap in HMB for John's birthday, it was good to observe that next year I'll be back in the country in time for another dangerous crab trip.

But then I wonder, how long will I be back for? Will I be back for good? Where exactly will I be a year from now? Not knowing is disconcerting. But I'm not entirely unsettled about the not knowing, which is a huge blessing...and I think is also a testimony to some things God's been doing in my heart these past few years, making me more comfortable with trusting Him in the unknown.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does actually please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I never do anything apart from this desire. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though I may not know anything about it. Therefore, I will trust you always, even though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are always with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
--Thomas Merton
| posted by Barbara | 4:32 AM |