Barbara's Random Thoughts

You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt

Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said

Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then

Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I have figured this somehow
All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get.

--Rich Mullins, "Hard to Get"

I first heard that song when I was in college and I loved how honest it was. Often when I ran across a song that resonated with me like that, I would think about maybe singing it at church the next time I was signed up for a solo. And I remember thinking that this particular song wasn't "appropriate" for church. How sad that is--somewhere I unconsciously absorbed the idea that public worship had to have all the questions answered, all the doubts assuaged, and be tied up in a nice shiny happy package. My public Sunday morning reality excluded doubt and sin and being less than a "perfect" Christian.

The pious fellowship permits no one to be a sinner. So everybody must conceal his sin from himself and from the fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among the righteous. So we remain alone with our sin, living in lies and hypocrisy. The fact is that we are sinners.
--Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

Oh, for an honest community of faith where we acknowledge that sin and pain and hurt are real, that people will disappoint us, and that sometimes we will even be disappointed in God. Doubt does not mean denial, and questions are a part of faith.