Barbara's Random Thoughts

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Hunger and failure

Train of thought currently running through my head: Hungry, hungry! Why am I so hungry?! Oh, right. I didn't have dinner last night. How did that happen; I have leftovers upon leftovers in the fridge?! Dang small group throws me off and I forget to eat. Fortunately, I have a slice of birthday cake in the fridge here at work...ah, tea and birthday cake = breakfast.

I was listening to Sandra McCracken on the way to work, yay for birthday gifts. =) And while listening to the song "New Shiny Shoes," which kind of reminds me of a failed friendship in my past, the words twisted themselves around on me. I stopped feeling so empowered about a friend who failed me and started thinking about the ways I've failed a different friend. It was sobering when I thought about the "you" referring to me.

I got an email from this friend a couple weeks ago, and she's been on my mind. She was one of my best friends in high school, but moved away during our senior year. Contact with her since my first years of college has been minimal--we've gone different ways and we've both changed a lot. We reconnected almost 2 years ago now, discovering that we now live only about a 2-hour drive away from each other. But the reconnecting didn't really take...we saw each other once, and talked on the phone a couple of times. Occasional emails would affirm "We should get together!" but we never did. I should have tried harder, but I would fall back on the semi-cop-out answer that she wasn't making a huge effort to see me. I think neither one of us knew how to be friends with each other in a new context. I know I wasn't sure how to be her friend. But I didn't really try.

This last email said she'll be graduating in May, and moving to Texas in July. I won't even be able to go to her graduation, because it falls on the weekend I'm leaving for my South Africa trip. I feel in so many ways that I've failed her in our friendship. It was too much of an effort to bridge the distance of a couple hours' drive, or the distance that the years have made in our friendship. And I'm more sad about that than I can say.

New Shiny Shoes
Sandra McCracken

It's been almost two years now
Since I saw you last
Sorry I remembered you anyway,
cause you won't escort me out of your past
So you better just leave me here
Cause I knew you when
Just take your new shiny shoes
You don't have to be my friend

Go ahead and walk away
Sever these last ties
I am nothing but a breath,
You're nothing but a lie

You got the last word when you left
Put me in my place
And you went off to your wild dreams,
Gone without a trace
While you followed a yellow brick road
To thine own self be true
And when you choose to go that way
In the end there's only you

Go ahead and walk away
Sever these last ties
I am nothing but a breath
You're nothing but a lie

High on the sound of your own name
And this fleeting fanfare
Our common ground is falling down
Cause it was never there

While I'm still wearing this same old dress
My heart has come alive
And I will wait for your return
If you'd ever change your mind

Go ahead and walk away
Sever these last ties
I am nothing but a breath
You're nothing but a lie
You're nothing but a lie
| posted by Barbara | 6:49 PM