Barbara's Random Thoughts

Sunday, March 13, 2005

"It's not supposed to be this hard"

Quote from an email I got this weekend from a good friend. Today, I'm feeling like this is very true. I've been living in the Bay area for nearly a year and a half, and I know that close friendships don't come quickly or easily, or without work, but is it really supposed to be this hard?

I shouldn't complain. I have friends here, and it's not like I don't have people to hang out with. It's just that I miss the closeness I had with friends in SoCal. I miss friendships where I felt secure. Now, I often find myself wondering what the other person really thinks of me. For so long, I've struggled with this perpetual insecurity in relationships--the fear of being the one who loves more. I fear finding out that I rank a little lower on their friendship scale than they do on mine. Does this make any sense?

This is no doubt linked to the fact that I have a really hard time initiating things. Unless I feel like there'll be reciprocation, I won't initiate anything. And when the friend doesn't reciprocate, I wonder. Maybe they didn't want to hang out in the first place. Do they even want to be my friend? And I shut down. Which is completely counter-productive, but I guess I'm just neurotic that way.

I've been blessed by a few friendships that have transcended the second-guessing that I so often do. Heather, Kristy, Melinda...people who I know value my friendship, who genuinely want to know me for who I am. People I'm not afraid to say anything to, because I know they'll always accept me, completely unconditionally. I don't have to wonder if they like me, or want to spend time with me. But I haven't quite gotten to that point with friends here. And that's where I am tonight--wondering why it's so freaking hard to just be friends with people.

Don't get me wrong, I've met some amazing people here, and I'm so thankful for the friends that I have. And I don't always feel like this. But today I guess I'm just homesick for a time when friendships came much more easily, and when I didn't second-guess my friendships or myself quite so much.

ask me how i am today
i can't lie to you okay
maybe you will dry my tears
maybe my eyes never clear
but this is who i need to be
cause the bough will break
and my heart it aches
and my heart will ache tomorrow
(Lori Chaffer)
| posted by Barbara | 9:00 AM